*Erica Joyce Photography* BLOG

{ Baby AJ }

Wow, OK – where can I even start?  One year ago today our lives changed, my life changed – forever.  Erica and I had undergone IVF in what we were told was really our only chance at getting pregnant.  We were lucky – our first attempt at IVF took and we were pregnant…with twins, no – scratch that – Triplets!  We were SO excited and nervous and every other feeling that the human body can feel!  We were beyond being capable of understanding how much our lives would be challenged and how our faith would be tested.  Well, it didn’t take long before we started having difficulties with the pregnancy – even though the babies were doing fine, Erica’s body was having a difficult time handling all the change.

Erica was placed on bedrest in an attempt to minimize the risks and give us the best chance of keeping these babies.  Life was tough – for weeks and weeks Erica stayed in the hospital on full bedrest.  She did everything she was told to do and went the extra mile for her babies everyday.  Each day was a challenge…a mountain to climb and overcome.  We knew with each day that passed the better chance our little babies had of making it.  Unfortunately, life had a different plan for our family and at only 18 weeks gestation, God called home one of our little angles, “AJ”.  Surprisingly, after AJ was delivered the birthing process stopped and things started to look pretty good for the other two babies.  But by no means were we in the clear.  The labor process had stopped, but now we had to deal more with infection…it was stressful but still we kept our faith that God would provide.  Little did we know that a few weeks later God would call home his precious brothers too.

We really didn’t want to know the sex of the babies, we wanted to be surprised – isn’t it crazy, three more boys!  Anyhow, we had just known them all as Angels – Angel Jaggears…”AJ”.  They had changed us…touched us deeply and though we had not seen them before – they are our children and we were forced to say our goodbye’s way too early.  Before that day, one year ago today, my toughest times now seemed so small and insignificant.  I could have never imagined what that day would be like.  I would never wish that on anyone.   I can vividly remember each detail of that day…all the smells of the hospital…the doctors & nurses…the wallpaper on the walls…the precious little basket AJ was in…and the beautiful little blanket he was wrapped in.  AJ was so small that I could hold him in the palm of my hands, think about that for a second…I held my son in the palm of my hands – he was that small, yet he was perfectly formed all the way down to the precious fingernails and eyebrows – he was an angel.  He is our AJ.

I can remember holding him and pleading with God for understanding…just a reason why – why this was happening.  Why me, why Erica, why this family.  It had been a tough year already…could we survive another test?  This day was hard – the hardest day of my life that I had ever lived.  I was so mad…I wanted to trade places…I wanted him to live…live so he could laugh, love and smile like I had…I just wanted him to have a chance.  Angrily accepting God’s decision, I still remember asking God to give me strength to do great things in this life and push me to my limits – let me learn to live for each day, and learn to give thanks for each and every day of my life that I have lived.  Most days I feel like I fall short of God’s potential for my life…and I am reminded of little AJ and the strength he gave me.

……..:::::::: To My Son ::::::::……..

Precious AJ,

One year ago today you changed my life forever.  I am so thankful for you.  There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about you and wish you were here with us.  Your brief appearance in this world was so powerful and meaningful, and I thank God each day for giving me the opportunity to hold you.  I wouldn’t trade anything for those brief moments we had together.  I wish you could have had a chance – I know you would have done great things and helped so many people.  I wish I would have had more time to hold you..to talk to you about your mom and how she is such an amazing woman.  I would tell you about your brothers Alex & Zach…I wish we could have had a chance to laugh together…throw the ball together…cry together…we could laugh at how we both have the same chin, as matter of fact – your brothers too have the chin! I know someday we will all be together… ’til that day comes I’ll be thinking of you and your brothers and how crazy life would have been…and how I would have loved each moment with you.  You are an angel – our angel and I thank God for you each day.  You have made a mark on my soul and I hold a special place for you in my heart.  I wish we could be together now, and though you are not with your daddy, I know you are with our Father.  I love you AJ, you are missed more than I am capable of expressing.

Dad~